I've been thinking a lot lately...and some of it has been good and some of it has been not so good. I hesitated to even start writing this b/c truth is I am TWO days behind on my Bible Study and really, that is probably why things are kinda hard for me....I just need to make time for what matters most and let everything else fall as it may.
But the truth is things are kinda hard. Even when they "look" okay, they are still hard. This morning found me sitting in the waiting room, with David, while the other three got their teeth cleaned. David was, as usual, the center of attention, smiling at all the mommies there. They were drooling over him, telling me what a fun age he is. I smiled, agreed and told them what a loveable child he really is....
Then one lady and I started being more real than just the surface, "Hi, how are ya?" and it was nice. We laughed about how hard motherhood is. We joked about the things we said we'd never do, and now find ourselves doing. We laughed about how we wished we'd listened as older/wiser moms gave us advice, how we now know that they were right. We even laughed about how we smile when we see a mom with an infant screaming in Target and we think that is a "sweet" cry but the mom can't stand it. You know what I'm talking about? That sweet newborn cry? It is sweet, esp when you have the fresh sound of that annoying 5 year old cry in your ears.
I really enjoyed chatting with the moms in the waiting room. They were fun. But it got me thinking about real life and how we are in life....you know, the "Hi, how are ya?" "Fine, thanks, and you?"....end of the story. This has been a HARD week in the Chilson house. The kids are more rebellious than ever and we've had a few surprises and curve balls that are just making life HARD. Yesterday was a little more than kinda hard and as I found myself driving to the Church for dinner and AWANA I wondered what I would say when people said, "Hey Jess, how are ya?" I also knew that people could look at me and tell that things weren't "right".....So as I thought about how to answer that question, I thought well, physically I am FINE, so I could answer with that.....My kids aren't in the hospital, my husband still has his job, we aren't hungry, we have a home, we have everything we need, really, I AM FINE....
but, really? Right now, life's kinda hard....I don't want to be whinny or complain. I want to do everything with out complaining and disputing, and I am trying, but these little things are just getting the best of me. That disposable diaper I found in the washing machine (AFTER THE CLOTHES HAD BEEN WASHED), yes, it made me cry...b/c that was after the morning we had where that loveable child SCREAMED for over an hour, on the stretch of time where my husband worked 8 or so straight days and in that time he worked 3 night shifts, and we discovered we have a small pest problem, and......you get the picture.
SO while I know that this issue of "I'm fine" has been beat to death, I do have to wonder when we are fine, but life is kinda hard, how do we answer that?? Sometimes I feel like there is a fine line between fake "fine" and whinny and complaining and just being real. Right now I'm fine, seriously, when I look around at things OTHERS are dealing with, I am fine. I am more than fine, I am blessed beyond measure, but sometimes I want/need to be real and tell ya that life is just kinda hard.....ya know?
